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ive been with my girlfriend for a year. we are 21 years old. I am a musician and love tattoos. when we started dating i had my rib peice finished and a half sleeve almost finished. she loves them, at least she says she does. now i want to get my arm finished and she freaks out. she says she loves me the way I am and doesnt want me to get more. I try to talk to her about it as an adult and she kinda throws a fit and starts a huge fight and turns it around on me. Saying if I love her then I wont get more.
I feel like tattoos are a part of who I am and cant allow her to change me.
and btw, she has no tattoos.
what the hell do i do?
Pull your skirts up, reach down, and see if you can find your balls?
Seriously, if we take you at your word, then she’s being a passive aggressive, emotionally manipulative cunt. Now, the fact you’re here whining about it behind her back indicates to me you’re probably much the same, so here’s what you do:
In a calm, level voice tell her the whole “if you loved me” line is only used by manipulative children, and that you are going to get more ink because it makes you happy. Do not get angry, do not use any passive aggressive bullshit, do not turn anything around on her, do not engage any of her arguments if she cannot sit down and talk about it rationally. You just state your intention as fact and she wants to talk about it levelly, do so and be prepared to actually consider her view points. Above all, if she throws a bitch fit, don’t lose your temper.
In other words, act like the adult you’re pretending you are.
Oh, while we’re on the subject, learn some god damn punctuation so that we can actually A) read your damn post, and B) see you’re actually a thinking human being.
Love. Peace. Metallica.
Why are you letting anyone tell you what to do with your own body? It’s plain and simple, you are who you are tattoos or not. I would never tell my man not to get more tattoos because I like him one way or another. I’d probably tell him to think long and hard about how visible they are and would suggest not putting anything downright offensive on his forearms or hands because others may judge him, but that would be the extent of it.
Hi
The thing that concerns me is not actually about the tattoo issue. In my job I investigate fraud big and small and meet hundreds of ppl and they all have 2 common factors;
They will try to lie to me and they will try to manipulate me through a spectrum of emotions from tears to aggression.
This means we have to do a stack of interviewing and psychology exams on human behaviour (it don’t make us experts but common trends come clear very often).
The key thing here is are you asking about the tattoo? or are you in a roundabout way saying I am pissed off with this behaviour and burdening of control and how do I break it off without being a bastard?
Obviously only you know the answer and I don’t expect you to respond.
The key factors are that your relationship has been built with a flaw in it. She lied about the tattoo issue. I know not a big thing but if you explore it further it comes down to this;
People as a rule don’t want to upset their potential partner’s in the beginning and so will often tell white lies or tolerate the issues they don’t like about them. This is with a long term view to changing or controlling what they don’t like when they are settled into the relationship and the person is susceptible to their influence.
We all do it big and small (I do it all the time in my interviews building a rapport then slamming them with the evidence).
Your tattoos are at the moment I am guessing coverable so that is within the nobody has to see them so no judging by family or peers, I can live with this shit.’
You get more that means that the control and comfort zone is broken and now you are challenging their desires and authority.
How far does this go? Do you get the ‘don’t wear that/see them/drink that/watch that because I am asking and you love me’ etc, in other parts of your life? (Again be honest with yourself).
Control starts off small and builds up until before you know it you are doing stuff and being somebody you never thought you would end up to be. It works for some and def does not work for others – it is a choice thing.
The whole ‘if you love me’ and tantrums is a basic defensive mechanism ppl use to get their own way. It states if you really emotionally care you wouldn’t and if I am angry it = no sex.
The first part is learned in childhood parents love their kids and don’t often want to see them cry – so it works for years and for some becomes their first ingrained reaction.
The second is learned later – many of us men need and ant sex with our partners and they know this and some can and will manipulate that. Again it is only something you can work out.
I come from a fairly orthodox jewish background my wife is israeli and her family were very orthodox. She told me from the start she hates tattoos and would be mega pissed off at me if I got any.
I did anyway and she lives with it but stated I had never get any I cannot cover up for her when family visit.
None of this if you love me shite just pure adult honesty.
Take Care
Matthew
I feel like tattoos are a part of who I am and cant allow her to change me.
and btw, she has no tattoos.
what the hell do i do?
Shades of what my girlfriend said but not as severe. I feel bad for you bro. Take advice from me. Here’s how I handled it. “After All I have done for you you mean to tell me you’re going to be as selfish as you are and not allow me to get what I want to put on MY body? How rude and insulting that our relationship has come to you moaning about me getting a simple tattoo. If this is going to derail our relationship, then this was one big waste of time and shows it’s true colors and that you care more of yourself and not I. It’s either deal with it or hate it, your choice.”
Needless to say, I won & everything is grand. I agree with the above poster, lift up your skirt, see if you atleast have one ball left from your testicular state and try to repair them ASAP. The other one might be in her purse, but atleast you can salvage one. GOOD LUCK!
This is so true. EVERY relationship is a compromise in some way as there is no “perfect” person out there. We all come into a relationship with idiosyncrisies, habits that our mate may not love, and if we’re adults, some baggage from past relationships. There are things I will and will not accept in a relationship, but over the years, I’ve become much more tolerant of superficial, minor annoyances. I think the key here is that a lot of people DO make the mistake of thinking they’ll change or control what they don’t like down the line rather than accept what is, and as you and your wife have done, discuss what is or isn’t a deal breaker.
Hi JEN
This is my point me and my wife have major differences in expectations and even cultural opinions she is from the Middle East and I am British and so we often found ourselves in conflict over sometimes silly but constant issues.
Since I am certainly no saint to live with we both agreed we would be upfront about it and be blunt about what the boundaries are and where we are willing to compromise.
We have been together 12 years and i found that by being honest from the start whilst not pretty at least gets you to a reasonable compromise you can live with.
All this ‘I don’t want you to change’ is just plain bullshit – everybody changes as they age and it can be a positive thing.
I just hope the o/p can take some collective advice and step up and deals with it before it becomes a massive issue.
Take Care
Matthew
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