I know that this is a tattoo forum and not a dating advice column but we talk more than I speak to most of my family and I’m in a really shitty situation so I figure I have nothing to lose and I would put it to the group.
I met a man just over a year ago through a friend. He was married at the time and I was in a shitty relationship with someone else. (My relationship lasted three months before the guy cheated on me with his ex and then dumped me before I could find out and proposed to her a week later. They are now expecting a baby any minute… men suck.)
Anyway I met this guy, and even though I was with someone else I just thought, wow… this guy is something else. He’s gorgeous, funny, kind, whoever this guy is she’s a lucky woman because he’s amazing. A few months later and im single and his wife left him. I’ve been married (technically still am) and I left my husband three and a half years ago. So we started spending a lot of time together, consoling each other and so on. In June of this year he suggested we start seeing each other because he felt we had a real connection and it was true we do. He’s amazing. He said at the time he wanted something casual and wasn’t able to commit to a proper relationship because of the divorce and the custody of his kids etc and I said that was fine but that I needed us to be exclusive and it would be on the basis that we were working toward something.
We have been together for nearly 5 months. In that time I have basically lived with him. We spend all of our spare time together. We go grocery shopping together. I am really involved with his family and his kids and all of his friends. hes said all along that hes not ready to fully commit and he doesn’t have the capacity to fall in love right now and I said that was fine. I could be patient and that we made each other happy and were enjoying each other so as long as we were both happy it didn’t matter that my feelings were stronger than his right now. He was worth the wait and I could be patient.
This has all been going fine until Saturday. We had a small argument (he had been drinking and took something the wrong way) and the next thing I knew he said he was done.
He’s now telling me that although he has feelings for me and cares for me a great deal, that I do make him happy and he misses me now, that we cant be together any more because he knows that im getting deeper and deeper and those feelings aren’t coming for him because at the moment hes not capable. He says that he hopes that when things settle in his life and hes more able to handle a relationship he will come back to me and maybe we can give it another try but I have fallen in love with him. Completely head over heels.
I am miserable without him. I miss him every day. I haven’t eaten in 4 days and spent three days just lying in bed crying.
He has taken away my choice of whether to take the risk and stick with it to see if he does develop those feelings and now we are both miserable. We met up on Monday night and talked. Both of us cried a lot and he said he misses me but he feels like he doesn’t want to keep me around for selfish reasons if he cant give me what I need back in case that ability to commit doesn’t come.
I don’t know what to do. We’re both so unhappy and im so in love with him and now he wont consider us sorting it out because he thinks he’s leading me on.
What do I do?
(Sorry for the completely emotional shit storm I just need some impartial advice from some people who don’t mince their words)
Thanks all x
first thing, there is hope,because not all of us men are assholes,there are a few of us good ones out here,
and secondly,the “miserable” part is temporary and will go away,that’s normal,but sounds to me like it was the best thing,
when I split with my wife of 20 years 10 years ago it was super hard,but I knew it was the right thing at the time as hard as it was,
now I know for sure it was the right thing for both of us,the miserable part went away a long time ago,and because of that breakup I now am happier than ever and believe everything happens for a reason,
what to do ? live your life,make yourself happy first,have some fun,
and most importantly find in yourself the lesson and wisdom that you are going to come through this with,we learn from our bad as well as our good experiences every day of our lives IMO.
take the best of him,remember those things,
and yes,even though we are online,you have friends here,if nothing else sometimes it feels better to talk about it and see it typed out,
I have made some very close friends from online,some I’ve known over 10 years and a few I have ended up meeting in person.
don’t look for a relationship,the right one will come along,when he is right and the time is right,
So ! get up,get happy,and go get a new tattoo !
I’m so sorr sweetie.
Loving someone who doesn’t love you back can be devastating. But feelings are feelings. Just like you can’t help being in love with him, he can’t help that he doesn’t. It can’t be forced, and should never be faked. He sounds like a fine man, man enough to let you go.
It is probably even harder for you, because it feels so sudden. You think that everything is wonderful, and BOOM you get a punch straight to your soul. All you can do is to mourn the loss, but in time things will be ok. In time you will be able to breathe again. And be able to smile. And maybe he was put into your life to show you what a good man is and should be.
In time you will be better than you are today. But, today? Today it is OK to be broken. To cry, and to want, and to cry some more.
In time things will work out.
Dan and Lola have some good advice.
I didn’t find the love of my life til I stopped looking for her. Then there she was. This year is our 30th anniversary.
Having been through practically the same thing, I have to say that I think he’s actually doing the right thing in letting you go. It is far crueler to allow you to keep hoping and stringing you along. In my case I wouldn’t let her let me go, which just made my life that much more miserable in the end. I honestly wish we’d ended it a few years sooner, because then I might actually have a new SO by now instead of really only now being able to move on.
I know it hurts. It’s beyond painful. But have trust and faith in the fact that it is actually for the better and you will be thankful for it later.
..as little as that actually helps you right now 🙂
Stay strong! Maybe you’ll end up together in a few years, or maybe you’ll have landed an even better man by then. Life is full of surprises waiting to be discovered!
It just sucks because you know how you just know.
You meet someone so amazing and you just know that that’s it for you. There’s no one else that will ever compare.
That’s what I got.
And what makes it worse is that he keeps saying things like “I care for you a lot and I do have feelings for you that are more than just a friend. I miss you all the time and my life is worse off without you in it. I wish that everything would fall into place for us and if I do find myself able to commit to a relationship I want I to be with you. I don’t know if that will take a few weeks a few months or a few years but there’s no one else in my mind but you when that does come.”
How am I supposed to move on knowing that there is still hope? I know that he wants to be with me too he’s just terrified to risk it all going to shit like his last two relationships and so he’s pushing me out.
This really, really sucks because all I want is him 🙁
It’s one thing knowing the correct path, another to take it, but a whole nother to actually stay on the path.
He knows he’s stringing you along and hurting you, so he’s decided to let you go for now. That doesn’t mean he actually wants to let you go. 🙁
How, you ask? Right now you can’t. In time you will.
Thanks everyone for the support and advice, I really appreciate it.
A little update, I got a phonecall on Saturday night asking to talk, we met up and he told me that he had made a huge mistake and wanted to sort it out. A long chat and we have sorted everything out, we are back together and happy and I had a brilliant sunday with him and his children and parents and we’re making plans for our future together.
Thank you all for offering your kind words during what was one of the worst weeks of my life.
When you know, you know 🙂 xx
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